emotional needs

Need to be Needed

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Certainly a girl doesn’t need to be nothing more than an accessory to someone who sees her as a sign of success, not as a person. When you are in a real relationship, both parties do begin to need each other, if not for survival, for quality of life. Someone who makes you feel your best self, and brings out your best qualities is a keeper!

As we think about needs, we recognize that some of our needs are emotional and spiritual, not just simply what we need to survive. I look at it like the RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of vitamins. This is amounts of each of the nutrients they knew about during WWII that were required to keep soldiers (male, young, fairly healthy) from showing symptoms of deficiency diseases. (More recently they’ve been checking to see where these requirements may differ for women or other groups.) But note that this is the level where if the subject didn’t get that daily amount, they began to manifest symptoms of disease. So this is NOT what you need to be healthy, if that’s what you are getting, you are walking on the fine line above showing symptoms of disease. They’ve never been able to figure out what we need to be optimally healthy, probably because it varies from person to person and what they are doing at the time.

When you think about your emotional needs, do you think about the need to be needed? They have discovered that older people in “homes” are much healthier when they have pets. Not only do the pets show them affection, having someone to care for gives the person who has had almost all agency removed a reason to look outward. An infant naturally needs someone to care for it for several years, and gives parents or caregivers an awareness that they are keeping the baby alive and (we hope) happy.

Some people have a distrust of “needs” that may come from having seen the interaction between a dependent and whoever is taking care of them abused. The parent-child relationship is a beautiful thing, so is a loving couple making each other’s lives better. “Paying it forward” is the natural way to keeping the species alive.

What we want to avoid is any relationship where the balance of power is off not naturally, as in the case of an infant, but unnaturally- such as in a culture where men and women (or other groups within the population) are given different levels of self determination. In the musical Oliver (source of this picture and quote), Nancy was both dependent because women didn’t have the options for financially supporting themselves, and also because her boyfriend, Bill, used violence to keep her with him.

In this case, Nancy, and those like her, convince themselves that their abusers need them because otherwise awareness that she’s contributing to her own abuse would hurt her more. We do have a need to be needed. We need to feel that there is something we are accomplishing in the world more than just eating, sleeping, and breathing. When Oliver’s needs from Nancy exceeded Bill’s imagined needs, Nancy was able to break away from her unhealthy fantasy. When a parent gradually leads his child to become more independent until he no longer physically needs his parent, but maintains the relationship for the emotional and spiritual benefits, that’s good parenting.

The theme this year is need, so as we examine that, let’s also let’s look at our relationship with the “Weird”. While I’m comfortable asserting that we should look at supernatural phenomena more closely, open to the possibility it’s real, that doesn’t mean that we should ditch our critical thinking skills. It’s exciting to learn new things, we mustn’t get dependent on these activities. Dowsing is a wonderful tool, but you shouldn’t use it to make all your decisions for you.* Keeping a dream journal can help you remember and understand your dreams, but if you are spending over an hour a day on it, you can probably cut back to an hour. If you’re a medium, unless you have some people who’ll pay to watch you do it, you probably shouldn’t be spending so much time talking to spirits that you are missing work. As with any activity, don’t go overboard. Don’t let it interfere with relationships between you and your family and friends. Don’t let it interfere with work, or adversely impact your health. Don’t let any system or group make decisions for you. Somethings we need to do regularly- like breathing. Doing anything successfully is going to make you feel good. But don’t become dependent upon any single source of satisfaction. You haven’t always done it, you won’t always be doing it, it’s just one of many good things in your life, but only one. Do what you need to do for you.

*Don’t ask “Should I take this vitamin?” ask “Will I be significantly healthier if I take this vitamin”. Taking it is your decision, dowsing can tell you if it’s going to have a subtle effect you can’t predict.

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